The Not So Fertile Road (#2)

December 2, 2010 — 4 Comments

(I haven’t forgotten about this series. I’m just unsure about what to share. So here’s my story, our story, in a shortened series of course. I pray that it gives some insight and God uses it somehow for someone. I also know that I don’t understand infertility to the same depths that some know it. I have two miracle children now. But I know the pain it causes to some extent.)
When Matt and I were engaged I told him I didn’t want to have kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind and I said “well, the topic isn’t even up for discussion until we’ve been married 5 years.” I figured that would at least keep the topic at bay.

When we started our marriage counseling that was one of the first things we discussed. I don’t think Bob & Carmen thought they would have to convince me that kids were God’s design and that they were indeed a blessing. But I had some barriers and lies that I believed about having children that had to be overcome. So I prayed that God would change my heart if He did indeed want us to have a family one day.

I think about 3 years after being married I actually began to want to have kids. WHAT?! That was pretty shocking to me really but God had changed my heart. So we began the process of “trying.” I always had a feeling it wouldn’t be an easy process for me and we quickly found out I was correct. This began a hard journey for us. I remember months of not wanting to get out of bed. I felt like pregnant women were everywhere and my heart ached. I was also beginning to deal with anger at God. HE had changed my heart and now He was holding out on me. I felt like He was punishing me for something. I also began to feel flawed. I obviously was made with imperfections not “wonderfully and fearfully made” as it says in the Psalms. Satan began to do a real work in my mind and heart as the months went by.

Then the medical journey began:

My first appointment to begin fertility treatment I actually found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked and rejoicing and yet overwhelmed with fear because I was already having signs of something being wrong. After a couple weeks the complications were much worse and we found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery to remove it. This began about 2 of the darkest months for me. A life given and taken away. A God who seemed to have given the desires of our heart only to steal it away. And the fear that a family may never be a reality for us was taking over.

Jody

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4 responses to The Not So Fertile Road (#2)

  1. I remember those dark days. What a treasure to walk through them with you and not live in them all the days of your life.

    Knowing you and Matt has given me so much softer a heart for the infertile couple (not that it was really that hard before!). Thank you for the gracious witness you bear of God’s love, even in your moments of pain and horror and anger.

  2. Sadie Hill-Smith December 2, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Hi Jody,
    Just wanted to say that i found your site a few weeks ago and i’m so encouraged to read about your Christian walk. Not sure if you remember me, from Prineville?
    Anyway, this series you are doing sounds good and i’m sure you will be helping some hearts heal!
    God Bless,
    Sadie

    • Sadie, that is so crazy that you found my blog. I would love to hear how you’re doing. Are you on facebook? Thanks for your comment!

      Addie, I’m totally going to answer your questions you asked from before. Thanks for those and thanks for being a great friend.

      • Sadie Hill-Smith December 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm

        Hi,
        Yes, i’m on facebook. Under Sadie Hill-Smith.
        I’m doing pretty good and i will look to see if i can find you on Facebook too.
        Thanks and have a great week.
        Sadie

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